The Overwhelmed Vet Podcast
Learn how to tackle the overwhelm, difficult clients (and colleagues!), emotional toll, high expectations and the general craziness we all experience in vet med.
Your host Gunila Pedersen is a Small Animal Veterinarian working in ER and also a Master Certified Life Coach. She burnt out after owning her own clinic, and managed to find the way back through life coaching.
Today she shares insights, relatable topics, tactical advice and the tools and inspiration that will help you fall head over heels in love with vet med again just as she did.
The Overwhelmed Vet Podcast
Ep. 13: Just SIT on your sofa - boundaries at home
If you don’t feel like your home is your safe haven where you can 100% relax and allow yourself to just sit on the couch and do nothing - then this episode is a MUST-LISTEN .
Protecting your boundaries is your responsibility, and by doing so, you preserve your mental stability and prevent burnout - at home as well! Your home should be your happy bubble.
In this episode I explain why you even have to set boundaries for YOURSELF to stop adding on to the to-do list, and why you cannot expect your loved ones to guess your boundaries.
I also explain why women, and especially female vets, have such a hard time doing … nothing. And why it’s so Important!!
If you want more help with this don’t forget I’m still taking on 1-1 clients for 4 months coaching. I’m just a call away and love talking to you whether you sign up for my coaching or not:
https://calendly.com/gunila-lifecoach/50-minute-free-coaching-consultation
Hey! Thanks for listening! Send me a text and let me know what you think.
The Overwhelmed Vet Podcast 🐾🩺 by Gunila Pedersen
Download free resource PDF The Top 10 Hacks to Overcome Burnout in the Veterinary Clinic: https://gunilalifecoach.ck.page/6ce9935261
You don't have to do this on your own! Sign up for a free coaching session here:
https://calendly.com/gunila-lifecoach/50-minute-free-coaching-consultation
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Email me: gunila@gunilalifecoach.com
Hi, this is the Overwhelmed Bed Podcast. I'm your host, cornelia Pedersen, and I'm going to share with you everything you need to love and fully enjoy your veterinary life. Today we're going to talk about the last type of boundaries I wanted to talk about in this series of three, which is boundaries at home, and I want to talk to you, obviously, about boundaries towards partners, kids and all that, but there's also a big part of it which is boundaries for yourself. So a couple of weeks ago, I was at the coming up to the end of my night shift, which, if you know, it's I do seven nights and then I'm three weeks off, depending on if I have to do some extra shifts, and Bruce, my husband, was texting me saying that some of our friends were coming to visit and he said oh, they need to go back on the Wednesday, so they're going to come and visit on Tuesday. Bear in mind that when I finish my shift, I finish. So my last night is Sunday night, which means I finished my last shift Sunday, monday morning, and then I have to catch a flight and then either fly back to Spain or to Denmark, which is where my two houses are. In this case it was Spain, and I think I can't remember what time I was landing, but often it's very, very late, so close to midnight. So if I land, then Monday around midnight, get back and all that.
Speaker 1:And then he said, well, these friends are coming and can you just cook a meal for them on Tuesday? And I was not too happy about that because I was like, oh my God, I would have to do the shopping plan, what to cook? I love cooking and I have very high standards for my cooking. You know what to cook, I love cooking and I have very high standards for my cooking. So I would have to get all these fresh ingredients, find some fancy, you know menu and do this. And I could already feel the resentment building up and I thought this is no, this is not happening. So I said, look, instead, how about, since we're in Spain and there's so many lovely places we live really near the beach we can meet right in a beach bar and we can just have brunch together, you know. And he said that's an excellent idea, let's just do that cool problem over, right.
Speaker 1:But that was the boundary I set, a bit for myself but also for him, in, in in a really nice way and for the friends, right, it was not. They probably didn't know this whole discussion. They just knew they were gonna come and see us. They just wanted to see us and love being with us. But I could really quickly have kept these high standards. They come to visit. That means, like you know, I have to cook for them. I have to, you know, show that I'm a great like, I don't know, hostess or whatever it is. We women want to prove and create this whole food and clean the house, which Bruce always do does when I'm away, so that that wouldn't have been a problem.
Speaker 1:But you know, like these standards we set and I was just not, I just knew that was not a good idea. I knew that if I did that I would be incredibly tired and I would have I would just have a lot of resentment towards Bruce and towards my friends and it would not be none of their fault because I would just have accepted doing this. I didn't even come up with some complicated menu. So it is really important that when somebody asks something of you at home, like your partner, your kids, whatever it is that before you say yes, just fill in with yourself and real and and check in like is this realistic to do or is this gonna make me feel resentment towards the other person that asked me to do it? Because if you say yes to do something, but then you don't really want to do it and then you have this resentment towards them, then you're not really being honest with yourself. Right, you're just doing it to please them and because you think you have to, but it creates a lot of riffraff at home and this building of resentment which then, if you're already tired and worn out from work and a bit burned out, it's just like your home should be your safe haven. It should be a place where you can be comfortable and you should be able to say to people no, I don't want visitors, or you have to let me know before you come, or, if you come, we're going to have to take away. You need to have a safe haven at home if you are quite stressed out at work.
Speaker 1:One of my friends, who also happens to be a therapist, and we actually we always partner up in white tie. She's so much fun, but she said something that was so true to me once that I was really stressed out, which is like we women we have to get so much better at just sitting on a couch and do absolutely nothing, because guys do this really well, and I'm not saying this to be mean at men, but we in women in general, we just tend to have this really long to-do list all the time and we feel bad if we're gonna sit down and do nothing. And I'm talking nothing like not being on social media, not reading anything useful, not being with your kids and having quality time, like literally being on the sofa and doing nothing, is something we need to get so much better at. So we're not constantly on the go and we feel we have to do something. We would need to do stuff.
Speaker 1:I think, being a vet as well, our brains we tend to have a very active brain and we have trained them to look for problems and to look for solutions to these problems which can actually send us to. In my case, I tend to have this like inner urge I have to make the most of time. I have to be efficient, like if I do something, that has to be a benefit. Yes, I like doing yoga, but it also keeps me flexible for when I get older. Yes, I love cooking. There's really lovely food and it's also really healthy, so it will keep me healthy. There's always some sign of some kind of there has to be a benefit to it, there has to be a purpose to stuff and to be able to let that go and just have fun or just enjoy food or just being with whoever you want to be with or read whatever the fuck you want, with no purpose to it.
Speaker 1:I think for women it's hard, and if you're a woman and a vet it's even worse because your brain has been trained so thoroughly to always be active, always be looking for problems and finding solutions. So when you're at home sitting on your couch, you might like look and go oh God, I need to hoover, or I should really clean the windows. Or you hear the kids fighting and you're oh no, I should really clean the windows. Or you hear the kids fighting and you're oh no, I should really spend some more time with them. You know that's just always going to be things coming up and it is vital that you notice when your brain does that and set a boundary for yourself, because otherwise you will never be able to sit down without having this huge to-do list that you're just going to keep coming up with more items to add on it because you just think it.
Speaker 1:Um, I was one of a friend a vet I have befriended on LinkedIn was talking about she's. She's gone through this divorce and she was absolutely knackered. She's got kids and she was moving and she was telling how they arrived at a new house and all these boxes were still there to be unpacked. And I could I could feel like the tiredness and the overwhelm that's coming through the what she was writing, just thinking about her looking at these boxes. And I need to unpack them. I need to.
Speaker 1:You know, these need to be unpacked and and we have this feeling that if we, until those boxes are unpacked, we should not really take, we should not really relax and completely take a break, because we have not finished and they need to be unpacked. And what I said to her was you know again this thing about being able to sit on the couch without doing anything and not putting this to-do list on yourself and also just like, just jump over where the fence is lowest I love that expression like we tend to make things so they have to be so perfect. We have so high expectations of ourselves. How about take the boxes that you don't need right now and just stick them in a room and just close the door, like it doesn't matter if they stay there for a year. The only problem is when you think about these boxes and you're constantly thinking that you have not done enough and you're not actually finished, and there's this unfinished thing. And until they're unpacked, I can't relax. Right, this is just something we put on ourselves and it's not actually a thing Like the unpacked boxes are not going to be screaming at you, nobody's going to miss what's in the boxes, right? And even if there's some I don't know bloody colander you needed and you forgot you had the boxes and you buy another one. It's literally not a big deal, but we make it this big deal in our heads. So we have to finish, we have to have everything done.
Speaker 1:And women I was coaching once also talked about. She was really stressed from having visitors because now, um, she was doing this, this course that was like took a lot of her time and when she wanted the visitors, when they come, like they, she wanted the their rooms to be perfect and they have to have, like the mints on their pillows. And she wasn't able to do this because she's doing this course and I asked her what is the purpose of having visitors? Is it you showing off how amazing a hostess, a housewife you are, or is it just being with them and enjoying them? Like how can you jump over where the fence is lowest so you can sit and enjoy time with your friends and not being stressed out over how all the duvet covers are not matching or whatever it is? We kind of put up as this thing. That just has to be.
Speaker 1:Hey, it's me. I just quickly wanted to interrupt this podcast and tell you that if you're listening to my tools and tips and feel you want to apply it, but you're not sure how and you need some extra help, I offer one-on-one coaching and I am open for new clients. So you can book a 50 minute free call with me where we can discuss what's going on for you, how I can help you, and you can decide whether you would want to work with me, which is for four months, where we work three weeks on, one week off, and where I help you with everything you listen to in this podcast and so much more. You can see the reviews on social media and what other clients have gotten out of it. You can email me, message me, or you literally just jump on that call for any information you'd want. I'm going to put the link in the show notes. And now back to the podcast.
Speaker 1:So a question I want to ask you is like what do you believe you have to do at home? It's just a fact, like the mint on the pillows, or cooking a meal that has to be perfect, or you have to wash the towels every day, or whatever it is. What is it that maybe you have adopted from when you were a child and your parents did this thing, or they said to you this is how it has to be, or you've seen it in other families and you just think that this is just how things are and you have to do it. Things that, when you really think about it, they don't have to be done every day, or it doesn't matter if they don't get done ever. If you have something on your to-do list that you keep pushing down and it just never gets done, maybe it just doesn't need to get done. Like what are the consequences of not doing it and why have you put it on your list? Like why is this thing, even in your world, that in your mind that you think you have to do it.
Speaker 1:So this is why I'm talking about boundaries for yourself, not allowing your brain to come up with all these problems quote unquote you need to solve at home, such as cleaning, cooking, whatever it is you think you need to do and also when people, maybe just casually and a bit carelessly, ask you to do something or ask do you want to do this or do you want to do that, or can we have this thing and maybe all you want to do is just watch Netflix or read a book because you've had a hard week. It is a boundary you have to set, but it's like for yourself as well, like not have these really high expectations for yourself. What you should be doing to be worthy enough because it all comes back to that is us thinking if I don't do these things, or if I don't do what people think I should do, then I'm not worthy enough. Being this person that can feel your inner worth, even if you're sitting on the couch all day, that is gold. If you can achieve that zen of I am enough just as I am and I don't need to prove anything and I don't need to do all these things to feel valid. That will take you really far and that will make your home also feel like a super safe heaven, because you know you can come down and you can do whatever the F you want. You don't have to live up to any expectations.
Speaker 1:I do coach a lot of people on their partners. So, for example, there's a great suggestion Bruce made of me making a big meal for friends just after I come home from my night shifts. That is just that he didn't think about it. He was just, oh, that'd be nice eating together, not thinking ahead of what the consequence would be for me. And I did get coached on it because I was a bit annoyed. I thought why could he not just, like he should have? He should have thought of that, like he should know that I am tired. But they don't, especially men. They have no clue. Like they don't think ahead and they don't think about. They need to protect your boundary. In most cases Some people may, but most people in general they are not going to think about that. They have to protect your boundaries. You're the one that has to protect them.
Speaker 1:You cannot expect of your loved ones that they are going to know at all times what you fancy doing or not fancy doing, or maybe you even say yes in that moment because you fancy it, but then, when the time comes to do it, then you're tired and don't really want to do it and then you feel resentment towards them because your brain thinks that they should have known ahead of time that, although you said yes and meant it that moment, you were not going to want to do it in the future. You can see, it's quite a light stretch to ask of somebody else. No matter how much they love you and know you, they can't know you better than yourself. So, being good at setting boundaries for yourself, like your own expectations, that is one place, and being able to sit on the sofa without doing nothing and not beating yourself up over it Also not beat yourself up over it after the fact, looking back. I should have done all these things.
Speaker 1:That is one side of it, and the other side of it is you cannot expect other people to protect your boundaries, no matter how well they know you and how much they love you, and they should know that he should have known. That is so toxic in a relationship and that will make you not want to go home to your loved ones because you just feel they don't get you, they don't understand you, they're taking the piss, they just want you to do all those things that you want to do, and it's actually all on you, of course, unless you're like really toxic, abusive relationship. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a normal relationship, right where we end up getting a bit at each other because we think that the other person is not respecting us. But that comment, quote-unquote lack of respect is not coming because they don't love us. It's just that they cannot guess what we want and what we don't want to do.
Speaker 1:So also, when you have housework at home, I find often like for some of my brother was visiting the other day and they offered then because I had cooked a meal, and then him and the girlfriend offered to um to clean the kitchen. I'm like, okay, cool, I cook, so you can, you can put the stuff away. And the girlfriend was putting stuff in the dishwasher and my brother said, well, I'm not even gonna try because she doesn't like the way I put it in the dishwasher. Do you all know that one? So you know I want my partner to help, but I don't like the way they do it. So I will do it. But now I'm going to get all resentful because you didn't help me. Do you know that one?
Speaker 1:Or the typical one where you have children together and then you say, okay, can you just get the kids dressed, and then the dress? The kids come out, dressed in a way that you would not have dressed them, and then you get mad and you're not going to let him dress the kids again. Like you are somehow the fashion guide of children and you are like responsible for this. You make yourself responsible and then you get mad at your partner because they don't help out with the children. I think we do that a lot. So also watch yourself with the expectations you have for how things should be done, because maybe that's how your mom did it or that's just how you think it should be done. Use this order in a magazine and then, because they don't do it the way you do you want to do it, then you don't let them do it and then you get mad at them because they're not doing it. Like, I see that a lot as well and I coach a lot of people on that, so really watch that one as well.
Speaker 1:Um, and in general, like you are the one that can create you happy bubble, both at work, you know, with your colleagues, with your manager, with your clients, at home, with your loved ones, with your kids, even to set all these boundaries that are super, super healthy and uphold them in a loving way. You don't have to become this cold-hearted bitch going. You know, defending your boundaries it's just kind of setting them and and realize they are there and defending them and just stand up for yourself because you believe you're worthy of doing so. That is the key. It's the key of you thinking that, no matter what, no matter if the house looks like a shithole, no matter if the kids come out with all unmatching socks and unwashed hair, I'm still worthy, I'm still a good mom, it does not matter. So you need to find that worthiness within yourself and then set your boundaries for yourself, for others, and then uphold them and respect that you are upholding them and not feel bad about it.
Speaker 1:And it is that work I'm telling you, especially if you're a people pleaser like me. But that is the number one thing setting boundaries Once people nail it, and once I've nailed it as well, I did, and that just changes your life so much, like all the resentment you feel towards other people, resentment towards yourself, resentment towards the bloody house. Why is it so big? And I have all this cleaning that just goes because you just don't have to do it. You can do it if you want to, but you don't have to. All these like have to, should need to, they're just things we make up in our minds. They don't really. It's not something, it's not a universal law that you need to change your beds every week or whatever it is you think you need to do, or have mints on the guest pillows.
Speaker 1:All right, so I hope you like this series of three. I am incredibly excited. I don't know if it's going to be the next episode or the next, but next week I have my first guest on the podcast. It is an incredible fun and kind vet I have met on Instagram. He is amazing. He does the most hilarious reels and he is so knowledgeable, he is so kind. He has built a community in his local areas. He speaks three languages.
Speaker 1:He is from the States and he's coming on and I am dying to speak to him and just ask him how he made he managed to stay so fun and so bright and so happy through all the work he does. He does so much. So watch out for that episode and this series of three about boundaries. If you enjoyed it and you know someone who could benefit, please don't hesitate to share with them. Share the episodes, let them know about it so they can also learn to just feel worthy as they are, sit on the couch, do nothing, eat chips and be happy and have a safe bubble at home and also nice, steady boundaries at work so they can enjoy staying a bit and and keep doing that. Okay, nice to see y'all. Bye.
